Oh, wow, look at all these memories.
Ma could never throw anything of mine away.
Darling, get all your crap out of here.
I'm converting the storage room into a den for your father.
Ma, this is a den by you?
Why don't you just strap him to the wall and slap an iron mask on his face?
You kids, we're not into that.
Oh, look, my old stewardess costume.
For Halloween, I went as Karen Black from "Airport '75."
"Oh, my God, the pilot's been sucked out."
Oh, wow, these are cool.
Oh, my old platforms.
Oh, I used to boogie, yoogie, yoogie till I just couldn't boogie no more.
Ohhhh ... You want?
Sure.
Oh, look, your father's first piece.
He loved Ringo.
Oh, it takes me back.
Now, sing,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Ma, look at this.
This is my win a date with Erik Estrada entry form.
You were supposed to mail this in 1979.
All right. Give it to me.
I've got a tax form from '81 that's gotta go.
Fran, how come all these kids are green?
Oy, my camp picture got moldy.
Oh, please, let this be a fat year.
Oh, what difference does it make, that stupid Judy Silverman
always jumped in front of me every time I went to take a picture.
She was so threatened by me.
Why? Because you were prettier than her?
Well, yeah, that, and also because I actually threatened her.
She always had to be one up on me, you know.
I mean, sometimes she succeeded,
sometimes an ex-lax in hot cocoa kept her out of cold water.
Yow, this is scary. Look, it's a naked picture of that guy from "Evening Shade."
Oh,
gross.
Oh, my Burt Reynolds' "Cosmo" centerfold.
Darling, that's mine. / No, Ma, you laminated yours.
No, I didn't. / Yes, you did.
Oh, well, I guess that's more than Lonnie got.
Okay, Fran, where do you want these?
Oh, my old school books.
"Looking for Mr. Goodbar," "Valley of the Dolls,"
"Intro to Chemistry"? How'd that get in there?
What exactly are a person's loins and how do you get them to quiver?
Give me that.
You know what? Stick this in my closet.
Better yet, put it under my bed.
Oh, Niles, look at what I brought home. Doesn't it smell real?
You mean it's not?
No. You know what the secret is.
You dust it with Lemon Pledge.
Why don't you take it and put it in your room. Cheer it up a little bit.
Oh, that's really nice.
Meanwhile, what are you wearing to the Camp Kindervelt reunion?
Oh, I'm not going to that.
I don't need Judy Silverman rubbing her gorgeous, successful, handsome, rich husband in my face.
Maybe she's still single?
Oh, Val. You're confusing her with us.
Judy was already narrowing the groom side to thirty
while we were still bobbing in the lake shouting "Marko, Polo."
So you're not going to go?
Not unless I can go on the arm of a drop-dead, gorgeous guy.
Hello. Tell Georgio I love his suits but I am not posing for "GQ."
I'm a businessman, not a bloody model.
Wouldn't hurt if he was loaded either.
And what would I do with another Lamborghini?
Hey, why don't you ask Mr. Sheffield to take you?
Oh, Val, where do you come up with these ideas?
Why not? It's just a favor. He's a friend, and you'd do for him.
You know, you're right. He's always schlepping me to those premieres.
I'm in and out of those limos. I have to remember all those names -- Donald, Marla ...
Woody, Mia. I had to write Soon-yi's name on my wrist.
Fran, these shoes fit great. / Oh, good, honey, I'm glad.
Gee, I love those platforms. I wonder why I stopped wearing them?
I'm okay!
Maxwell, it's freezing out here.
Quit smoking, Cee Cee, and you can come inside ...
Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?
Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.
Oh, Maxwell, why can't I smoke inside?
Cee Cee, if you want to ruin your own health, that's your own business,
but Niles is allergic. / Oh.
Hi, Mr. Sheffield. / What do you want?
Nothing. Can't a friend come in and say hello to another friend?
Hello, friend.
You're sitting on John Malcovich.
I don't hear him complaining.
Get up.
Now I forgot what I came in here to ask you.
Oh, yeah, ah, my camp is having a big reunion this weekend.
What are you doing Friday night?
Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday. Oh,
meeting of the Tony committee, what a shame. Blast, if it was any other night.
Oh, lucky you, it's really Saturday.
A blind man in New Jersey saw that one coming, sir.
Miss Fine, I hate reunions. I didn't even go to my own at Eaton.
Oh, yes, you did, sir. Don't you remember?
You were sulking in the corner because everyone was kissing Jeremy Irons' ass...
perin, Q-Tips, and Chapstick. Well,
I'm off to the drug store.
Come on, Mr. Sheffield, what do you say? / Good-bye?
Oh, I can't believe this. After all the favors that I've done for you.
You schlepp me on that yacht on a Sunday yet,
all the way up to Newport just so you and the kids can hang out with Clous,
meanwhile I'm upstairs with Sunny, the woman doesn't say two words ...
Oh, can you believe I actually considered calling my ex-fiance Danny
to see if he'd take me to this reunion?
Oh, how low can I stoop? What are you doing Saturday night?
As cute a couple as we'd make, I have a date with a sure thing.
Just don't leave your wallet on the dresser.
Fran, I hung your psychopathic poster in my room.
That's psychedelic, honey.
Yeah, Niles, in the old days, you could hallucinate a date.
Oh, God, Andrew Lloyd Webber's done it again.
Just got the rights to a show I've been after for years.
You know, just for once, Niles, I'd love to top him.
Well, now, you know how Miss Fine feels about Judy Silverman.
I'm sorry, sir. I know it hurts, but it's my job.
Oh, all right, I suppose it would be very thrilling for her to walk in with me.
Your blue shirt is back from the cleaners.
Oh, no, Niles that's much too here I am, Mr. Big Famous Producer.
I think the, the green tweed, that's very smart. / Good choice, sir.
Oh, you know, there's no time to take it to the cleaners. You'll have to press it yourself.
Oh, fix the lining in the right sleeve, would you, oh,
and mend the buttons. Just snazz it up a bit.
Did you say the green tweed, sir?
Don't you think it makes you look rather --
Rather what? / Toughie.
Nice try, Niles. I'm wearing the green tweed. Go on. Get on it.
Niles doesn't have anything else to do. He can go upstairs and snazz it up.
Oh, how do you keep from twisting your ankle in those things?
Oh, you don't. That's what bell bottoms were for, to hide the swelling.
What's this for? / Oh, that's my disco whistle.
Twirl that chandelier.
I'm looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening.
Woop. Woop. Hot stuff, baby, tonight.
I'm looking for some hot stuff ...
Fran?
I'll get it.
Hi / Hi.
I'm looking for a Fran Fine.
Oh, hi, Ponch.
Ponch? Whoa!
Oh, my.
You are muy bonita. / Gracias.
Wow! Great smile. / Oh, don't look at it directly. It's like an eclipse.
So, are you here to see Mr. Sheffield? / No, Fran. He's here to see you.
We sent him your old "win a date with Erik Estrada" entry form.
My manager thought it would be a fun thing to do, you know, for publicity.
Don't you have a big reunion tomorrow night? / Yeah.
Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.
Oh, my God. This is...amazing.
It's like a dream. How could this be?
We told him how desperate you were.
Oh, thank you.
Well, then, I'll see you tomorrow night. / Okay.
Oh, by the way, is it formal? / Oh, Erik, whatever you wear will be just fine.
You wouldn't happen to have your old Chips uniform -- oh, no, that would be a push.
That would be a push. Adios.
Hasta spumonte, baby.
Oh, is he caliente or what?
Oh, thank you, guys. You're wonderful. I love you. I've gotta go call Val.
Hold onto your hat, Miss Fine. I've decided I will escort you to your reunion.
Val, sit. You are not going to believe who's taking me to the reunion.
Judy Silverman will die. / Well, she may be a little impressed.
Well, he's gorgeous; he's foreign, and he's got a head of hair that you can lose a hand in.
Well ...
I'm going with Erik Estrada. / Who?
No, Val, this is not like the time that I said I was going out with Jan Michael Vincent. Bye.
Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
I see you're wearing a green tweed jacket.
Yes. Why?
Oh, just makes you look a little ...
tubby.
Um, Niles, what's the occasion?
It's for you. Congratulations on quitting smoking.
Oh, Niles, you know, when you quit smoking, you have to be very careful not to gain weight.
Oh, really?
Last time I quit, I gained 25 pounds.
Eclairs are ready.
Oh, only six more hours to Erik Estrada.
Mr. Sheffield wants to see you.
Oh, well, that can only mean one thing, I'll take the back stairs.
Miss Fine ... / What have you got me low-jacked?
We have a problem.
Why do you always go straight to me? Niles could have done it.
Yep, Niles is no angel.
Brighten's English teacher FAXed this over.
The assignment was to write from personal experience. Read it.
"Isabell, how do I describe Isabell?
She was part woman, part little girl?
I felt her heaving bossom in my --" oy.
Well, what are you looking at me for? The only Isabell I know is Sanford.
And if Brighten is fantasizing about Weezie, this problem is bigger than both of us.
I have to get back to work.
See this is rewritten by Monday, would you, Miss Fine?
Oh, but I don't feel like doing homework on the weekend.
You-who, Miss Babcock,
tea time.
Doesn't this Ponch character do anything on this show but ride a motorcycle?
Well, there does seem to be a crime wave involving big-busted women in halter tops driving corvettes.
This is absurd. There are more closeups of his rear end than of his partner's face.
That's the way I would have directed it.
Stop it, Cee Cee, you've been driving me crazy all week. Now smoke.
Maxwell, I am wearing the patch.
If I light a cigarette right now, my heart will stop.
Oh, I can't even breathe.
I can't believe this. My hair came out too big. My dress is too small.
Really? I think it's a little subdued. / Ohhhh.
I'd go up another inch or two.
Oh, Dad, you see his Harley? It's so cool.
It's like the beginning of the wild one. / What are they so excited about?
I rode a motorcycle too, remember, at Eaton?
I believe that was a mo-ped, sir,
with a grocery basket on the front.
Well, it was bloody good on the curves.
Wow, Fran. / Hi, Erik.
You look great.
That dress is almost as tight as my "Chips" uniform.
Buenos nachos.
I'd like you to meet my mother from Frito-Lay,
and this is my boss Maxwell Sheffield, the big famous producer.
Miss Fine, I'm sure he knows who I am. / No.
What TV shows have you done? / None. I produce theater.
So how'd you get the house?
You know, mosquitos aren't so bad.
Tastes like chicken. / Hi, Fran.
Attention all campers, look who I've got.
Fran, it's really Erik Estrada. I'm dying. mOh ...
You look gorgeous. / Oh, thanks.
Take off the helmet. / No.
Fran, you can't wear a helmet all night.
Why? Madonna wears two traffic cones strapped on her chest.
Fran ...
Oh, all right.
Did I deflate? I gotta see.
Well, Fran, seems your friends got a big kick out of this,
but I gotta split. It was great meeting you, though.
Wait a minute. Where are you going? Judy Silverman hasn't even shown up yet.
I'm taking my wife and kids to see "Beauty and the Beast."
Didn't they tell you? / I never met your wife and kids.
I meant my manager. You know, this was all publicity.
Oh, right, of course.
Well, it was nice meeting you, and thank you for coming, and enjoy the show.
Bye-bye. Adios. I like the blond guy better.
Come on, Val, let's get out of here before that stupid Judy Silverman ... Hi ...
Fran ... / Judy ...
So, you here alone? / Me, alone? Yeah, right.
Uh-huh. Wait right here. You gotta meet my fiance.
Great. I won't budge. Let's get the hell out of here.
All right. Don't run off, now. I want to meet your guy too.
Oh, Val, here's a twenty.
Give it to the janitor. Tell him to run a comb through his hair.
Too late. Here they come.
This is Fran. / Hi.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
So, where's your guy?
My guy? My guy?
We're talking about my guy.
Well, to tell you the truth, Judy ...
Hello, darling. / Huh?
You're her date?
Well, I'm not sure that date would be the right word.
We've been living together for what, over a year now.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, did you remember to turn the alarm on, honey.
The mansion next door to ours was robbed. It was so scary.
Well, this is Blake Glickman, my fiance. We're very much in love.
Well, pleased to meet you. Maxwell Sheffield.
How do you do -- Maxwell Sheffield?
I was in one of your revivals,
"76 trombones led the big parade,
with a 110 Coronets Close At Hand."
That's where I met Kent.
That's the last time I feed your cat when you're on the road.
Boy, are their kids going to be good looking.
Miss Fine, what about a little turn around the dance floor?
Oh, I thought you'd never ask. / Fran?
Val, I'll dance with you later. I promise.
Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
Well, just after you left, Mr. Estrada's publicist called
to confirm dinner reservations for after the show.
So I thought maybe you'd have some room left on your dance card.
Oh, aren't you a doll.
You look lovely tonight.
Even with the hair? / Oh, I like it?
You can actually see over your head.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'll never forget that you did this for me tonight.
Well, I know how much it meant to you.
Mr. Sheffield, you are quite a little dancer there.
Everyone's staring at us.
What do you say we give them an eyefull, huh? / Okay.
Oh, I remember when I had to get rid of my stuff
when they turned my room into a den.
Val, you're still living at home. / I know,
you'd think they'd wake me so I could get off the pool table before they break.
Thank God they installed a wet bar. At least you can shower.